Thursday, October 10, 2002

Decided today the old central body section needs flattening a bit.
How should I diet ? Did a bit of research.
Firstly must not eat dairy products. Full of saturated fats that put weight on and clog the arteries.
That's milk,cheese, butter and cream out then.
So much for "Drinka Pinta Milka Day"

Red meat is no good...like the above there are cholesterol problems plus some links to cancer, not only that but the animals are full of hormones and antibiotics. Not to mention Mad Cow disease.
White meat then ? Chicken, Turkey? uh! uh! Also pumped full of nasties to fatten them up and keep them free of disease.
Eggs? No, cholesterol again.

Fish? that's good for you,especially oily fish.
Oh dear No! Salmon, Tuna and sardines have high levels of mercury .Cod is becoming an endangered species,so is Swordfish and just about everything else that swims plus they can't be eaten fried...yep cholesterol again. On top of all that they are full of D.D.T.and a whole host of organic chemicals that do all sorts to the body.
Smoked fish are out, possibly carcinogenic chemicals in the smoke.

Shellfish? Even worse, mostly inshore water creatures, feed by filtering.
A lot of the water they filter comes from near sewage outlets.They can cause botulism and all manner of food poisining.
Tend to concentrate up heavy metals and radioactive isotopes from power stations too.

Chips have recently been associated with an elevated cancer risk.

Have to become a vegetarian.
Unfortunately persistent pesticide and fungicide residues cannot be removed by rinsing.
Radishes concentrate lead,mercury, zinc and heaven knows what else.
Organic fruit and veg?. No! Grown with "natural" fertilisers, i.e. waste products from the animals listed above which can't be eaten either.
Looks like bread and water from now on then.
Tap water is full of flourine, put in to keep our teeth healthy. Alas free flourine radicals are the most reactive of all free radicals,really deadly apparently.
Bread...you guessed . apart from G.M. worries, a recent report has shown that carcinogens are formed during the baking process.
Should be grateful I'm alive at all.
Have to be a starvation diet,that's really bad for the health.

Stressed out (real killer stress) I am going out to the garden for a smoke and a can of beer.

People who never eat are really flat.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

Doorbell rang this morning. Lucky i could hear it over the noise of neighbour revving his car which was issuing forth large quantities of foul smelling black smoke.
He told me yesterday it needed repairs, no wonder if he treats it like that !
Two well dressed, middle aged ladies presented themselves at the door.
Although I was unable to make out exactly what they were saying, I did catch the bit about the fact that they were witnesses.
Before I had chance to ask exactly what they had witnessed and what on earth it had to do with me, one of them produced a bible and laid her hand on it.
Told them the court buildings were about two miles away , I wasn't a judge , and there was no need to swear on oath.
Shut the door and went back to listening to the radio.

Post arrived, late , how unusual!
Three letters.
Charity ofering me a free pen if I could see my way clear to sending £10 a month to save the mongolian spotted mongoose or some such creature.What a bargain!
Bank letter to say my account is overdrawn,as if I did'nt know.
Second letter from bank saying I'm such a good customer would I like a loan at a ridiculously high rate of interest.

Phone rang. Do I want windows ?
No thanks used to have 97 but have M.E. now.
Caller hoped I'd get better soon, then hung up.

Phone rang again. Do I want windows. Said "sorry, bit busy", took her name and number and promised to ring back.

Third phone call, different company, gruff persistent chap, courtesy call eh ? Do i want a pension ? Sorry not interested but my friend is. Gave him the Tel.No. of caller No.2.
Hope they get together,should make a nice couple.
Stay flat !

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Having decided that a couple of baking spuds would go down nicely with this evenings meal I duly made my way to the local garage and convenience store which is within easy reach.
Picked out a pair of large, nicely rounded tubers and off to the till to pay.
All goes well except inconveniently the store has run out of carrier bags.
With a potato thrust in each jacket pocket I am about to leave when I glance at the headlines in the daily papers scattered neatly about the floor.
"Telephone Masts hidden in Petrol Stations" the headline leaps out at me from the "Sun"
Interesting, I know minituarisation is coming on in leaps and bounds but where could you possibly hide a telephone mast ?
A rapid search behind the smokey bacon crisps revealed nothing.
Similar efforts with the milk counter and the sweet shelf produced similar negative results.
Put a lottery ticket on in the vain hope that lady luck is smiling down on me today and walked home.
I wonder if the sign at Petrol Stations saying "Switch off mobile phones" is there to prevent mobile phones being frazzled by the proximity of hidden phone masts.
Later in the day I retrieve the potatoes from aforementioned jacket pockets and pass them to Mrs.Flat for microwaving.
They cook in half the normal time and come out overdone
" Sure you didnt heat them already" she says accusingly.
Eureka!! puzzle solved. Obviously the phone masts are hidden in the lottery terminal.
Will pop into the garage again tomorrow with a couple of pies and hang around the terminal for two minutes twenty seconds.
Anything to keep the electricity bill down.
Until tomorrow don't be frazzled, be flat.

Monday, October 07, 2002

Several German cities have given their names to items of fast food.
Hamburg, the hamburger.
Frankfurt, the frankfurt.
Rather less well known outside Germany is the fact that a Berliner is a , rather flat, spiced meat burger.
When president John. F. Kennedy made his famous speech in Berlin which included the well known line:-
" Ich bin ein Berliner "
did he realise what he was saying?

Ex U.K. premier John Major also had a reputation for spicy things. According to recent revelations , during his term of office, he apparently loved a curry from time to time.
May your souffle never go flat.

Sunday, October 06, 2002

Decided to place a small wager each way on the Prix de l'Arc De Triomphe.
Picked a horse named "Asian Heights" which the trainer claimed had been "aimed at this race all year".
True to form it ran as though it had flat feet. Turning into the home straight it was last. As the pace increased it was switched to the outside to make its charge.
With a devastating run it managed to finish next to last.
Think I shall stick to the financial markets from now on.
On the other hand it may be more profitable to act as the bookmaker .You can do this at www.betfair.com

Mrs Flat has decided that the black, built in, furniture in the living room is outdated.
I have been instructed to build replacements using light ash.
Making a collection of light bulbs to burn in the garden , I would think we need a fairly high temperature to get them down to ashes.
I suppose that was what she meant.
It would be safer to check with her first but its quite dark now and with no light bulbs left I can't seem to find her.
Until the morrow, be flat.