Friday, October 04, 2002

People who are encumbered with fallen arches are said to suffer from the medical problem commonly referred to as "Flat Feet"
Whilst it cannot be said that all persons suffering from this condition are Flat, it must be admitted that by definition they are at least partially flat.

The Triumphant Arch at etoile, or Arc de Triomphe , as it is more usually known in Paris, has stood since 1808. Along with the Arc de Triomphe du Carrousel .
Napoleon, who caused them to be built, was worried about the Flatness being exhibited by the citizens of that great city.
Fearing a revolution, he reasoned that having erected these monuments, he had thereby ensured that at least the feet of Parisians would never enhance Flatness.
"Until ze arches fall zey shall not ave ze flat feet"

To commemorate this event a horse race, The Prix de l'Arc de Triomphe , is run every year just outside Paris.
It is believed this race is limited to flat footed thoroughbreds.
This is rather difficult to prove but every horse I have backed in the race has certainly suffered from that condition.

May the flatness be with you.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

Are we born flat or can flatness be learned?
For centuries this has been a scholarly bone of contention. A great polititical leader once stated "Some people are born flat, others have flatness thrust upon them."
This was possibly plagiarised from the original remark made by Anne Boleyn. When discussing her wedding night with a friend and commenting on the obesity of Henry V111.
Anne was not born flat but soon became so.

Biologically there also seems to be evidence for inherited flatness.
Charles Darwin noticed that although most worms exhibit a tendency to cylindricity, certain species of worm appeared far more two dimensional. He named these species "flatworms"
It soon became apparent to him that their offspring were themselves flat and that this was not merely a one off genetic mutation.
During a holiday spent in the Galapagos islands he whiled away some of his time fishing.
The crude fishing tackle of the day was mainly of use only for bottom fishing. After having little luck using ordinary worms he hit upon the idea of using some of his specimen flatworms as bait.
He was soon rewarded with a catch of Plaice, Sole and Skate and several similar species of fish which he had never before encountered.
Even now in the 21st century we call these creatures Flatfish.
Until the next time...May the flatness be with you !!

Wednesday, October 02, 2002


Flat people have been famous throughout history. Until 1492 a.d. the whole earth was considered to be flat.
Flat people invented the flat iron, that well known deterrent against car thieves, the flat tyre ,and of course many people actually live in flats.
In 1677 Dr. Ulence Flat discovered the mechanism by which bodily gasses are formed and in recognition of this great feat a new word was added to the English language, Flatulence.
Ulence's famous lunatic nephew "Terry" , after 25 years of complimenting everyone he met about everything from the size of their ears to the colour of their hats was eventually locked away in an asylum before transportation to Australia.
Locked away but not forgotten, a local newspaper carried the headlines "Flat Terry goes a long way".
Another enrichment of the language by the flat.

A Welshman, Dai flat, was the first person to be run over and killed by a steam roller in 1912.

The definition of Flatness is somewhat elusive, It is perhaps easier to define flatness by examples of
who or what is ,or is not, flat.

Despite the fact that both Adolf Hitler and Sadman Insane have those strange little flat growths of hair under their noses,neither can be said to be flat.
Whilst the pig is not flat, the hedgehog is.
Flat hedgehogs can often be seen exhibiting their flatness on the lanes of dual carriageways and motorways.
The Netherlands, Belgium , Norfolk and the Fens are all Flat. As are pancakes.
Tomato soup is Flat , except in a high wind.
Switzerland, Nepal and The Andes are not Flat. Neither are rock cakes or Pamela Anderson. (allegedly)