Friday, November 01, 2002

Apologies for the delayed post.
That reminds me.. why are'nt second class letters dearer to post than first class ?
Surely it costs more to remove the second class ones from the pile then to store them away for ages before letting them through the system.

When the post eventually does arrive it consists of 90% junk mail.
Do the senders think we never realise that we have NOT won £ 2 million and a round the world trip on a pogo stick ?
Not only do we waste our time opening this drivel but when the new waste removal charges come into effect we will have to pay to bin it.
Perhaps a better idea may be to redirect it to the sender.

Better still put it in another envelope with a note to say :-
"No thanks, I do not require a limited edition , gold plated replica of an arrow remover as used by king harold" and post it back with no stamp.

Any lawyers out there ? If we are to be charged for waste disposal by weight, can we weigh the junk mail and send a bill to the originators for its disposal ?
Until next time, like an old bottle of coke with no stopper , be flat.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Picked daughter up from the local railway station on saturday. The train was due in at 13-40 so left in time to arrive for 14-00, they always arrive late.
Forgot there was a football match on.Traffic was crawling along hindered by local revellers staggering out of the pubs.
The visiting team were the worst of the lot , they were standing in front of the traffic, waving their arms about all over the place.
Dodged a couple of them , just failed to knock one over, then when i stopped at a red traffic light three or four of them , big blokes, started running towards my car, all of them shouting and gesticulating.
Well that was it . I decided not to hang about. Shot through the red light and escaped. This really infuriated them, they chased me down the road in their ridiculous blue and fluorescent yellow strips. What team is that anyhow ?
Right load of nutters. One of them must have been a car spotter or something as he was writing my reg. number down on a bit of paper.
Picked up daughter and drove home a different way. Told her all about it. Also told her i saw another one of them on a horse.
Mentioned they had hats on.
She told me they weren't football supporters at all but hunt saboteurs.
Should have realised ,must be getting old she said.
Terrible whoever they were. I have a good mind to inform the police.
Stay flat.

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

Reason for my recent absence? FLAT PACK FURNITURE
Spent three days trying to decipher the hieroglyphics that came with the damn stuff.
Found that screws {x} did not fit in ready drilled holes {y}
The number of little fiddly bits, should be 7, was exceeded by a factor of 3.
This threw me a bit , after deciding the lid of the box should NOT be on the bottom I turned the instruction sheet upside down.
Putting it in the correct place would mean the drawers would open verticaly and the back would have to go on the front.
Gave up and started again with own materials to assist and binned the instructions.

All went well until I had to do some sawing.
Having no bench i decided to use the kitchen table and the electric jigsaw.Cutting the first piece of wood was easy enough.
The second of the same thickness was really tough going. Could not understand why , then I realised I was also cutting through the kitchen table.
Mrs.Flat was not amused.

Colour of my own wood did not match that of the accursed flat pack rubbish.
Got white gloss all over the carpet trying to correct the problem.

I now have a nice new chest of drawers , which looks quite reasonable.
Unfortunately we now require a new kitchen table and a new carpet.
Assigned to the dog house by Mrs.Flat. Told her I shall have to make one,no dog, hence no doghouse.
Do they do flat pack dog houses?

May your furniture never be flat pack.

Sunday, October 13, 2002

flatman out of touch but will be back monday.
stay flat

Thursday, October 10, 2002

Decided today the old central body section needs flattening a bit.
How should I diet ? Did a bit of research.
Firstly must not eat dairy products. Full of saturated fats that put weight on and clog the arteries.
That's milk,cheese, butter and cream out then.
So much for "Drinka Pinta Milka Day"

Red meat is no good...like the above there are cholesterol problems plus some links to cancer, not only that but the animals are full of hormones and antibiotics. Not to mention Mad Cow disease.
White meat then ? Chicken, Turkey? uh! uh! Also pumped full of nasties to fatten them up and keep them free of disease.
Eggs? No, cholesterol again.

Fish? that's good for you,especially oily fish.
Oh dear No! Salmon, Tuna and sardines have high levels of mercury .Cod is becoming an endangered species,so is Swordfish and just about everything else that swims plus they can't be eaten fried...yep cholesterol again. On top of all that they are full of D.D.T.and a whole host of organic chemicals that do all sorts to the body.
Smoked fish are out, possibly carcinogenic chemicals in the smoke.

Shellfish? Even worse, mostly inshore water creatures, feed by filtering.
A lot of the water they filter comes from near sewage outlets.They can cause botulism and all manner of food poisining.
Tend to concentrate up heavy metals and radioactive isotopes from power stations too.

Chips have recently been associated with an elevated cancer risk.

Have to become a vegetarian.
Unfortunately persistent pesticide and fungicide residues cannot be removed by rinsing.
Radishes concentrate lead,mercury, zinc and heaven knows what else.
Organic fruit and veg?. No! Grown with "natural" fertilisers, i.e. waste products from the animals listed above which can't be eaten either.
Looks like bread and water from now on then.
Tap water is full of flourine, put in to keep our teeth healthy. Alas free flourine radicals are the most reactive of all free radicals,really deadly apparently.
Bread...you guessed . apart from G.M. worries, a recent report has shown that carcinogens are formed during the baking process.
Should be grateful I'm alive at all.
Have to be a starvation diet,that's really bad for the health.

Stressed out (real killer stress) I am going out to the garden for a smoke and a can of beer.

People who never eat are really flat.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

Doorbell rang this morning. Lucky i could hear it over the noise of neighbour revving his car which was issuing forth large quantities of foul smelling black smoke.
He told me yesterday it needed repairs, no wonder if he treats it like that !
Two well dressed, middle aged ladies presented themselves at the door.
Although I was unable to make out exactly what they were saying, I did catch the bit about the fact that they were witnesses.
Before I had chance to ask exactly what they had witnessed and what on earth it had to do with me, one of them produced a bible and laid her hand on it.
Told them the court buildings were about two miles away , I wasn't a judge , and there was no need to swear on oath.
Shut the door and went back to listening to the radio.

Post arrived, late , how unusual!
Three letters.
Charity ofering me a free pen if I could see my way clear to sending £10 a month to save the mongolian spotted mongoose or some such creature.What a bargain!
Bank letter to say my account is overdrawn,as if I did'nt know.
Second letter from bank saying I'm such a good customer would I like a loan at a ridiculously high rate of interest.

Phone rang. Do I want windows ?
No thanks used to have 97 but have M.E. now.
Caller hoped I'd get better soon, then hung up.

Phone rang again. Do I want windows. Said "sorry, bit busy", took her name and number and promised to ring back.

Third phone call, different company, gruff persistent chap, courtesy call eh ? Do i want a pension ? Sorry not interested but my friend is. Gave him the Tel.No. of caller No.2.
Hope they get together,should make a nice couple.
Stay flat !

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Having decided that a couple of baking spuds would go down nicely with this evenings meal I duly made my way to the local garage and convenience store which is within easy reach.
Picked out a pair of large, nicely rounded tubers and off to the till to pay.
All goes well except inconveniently the store has run out of carrier bags.
With a potato thrust in each jacket pocket I am about to leave when I glance at the headlines in the daily papers scattered neatly about the floor.
"Telephone Masts hidden in Petrol Stations" the headline leaps out at me from the "Sun"
Interesting, I know minituarisation is coming on in leaps and bounds but where could you possibly hide a telephone mast ?
A rapid search behind the smokey bacon crisps revealed nothing.
Similar efforts with the milk counter and the sweet shelf produced similar negative results.
Put a lottery ticket on in the vain hope that lady luck is smiling down on me today and walked home.
I wonder if the sign at Petrol Stations saying "Switch off mobile phones" is there to prevent mobile phones being frazzled by the proximity of hidden phone masts.
Later in the day I retrieve the potatoes from aforementioned jacket pockets and pass them to Mrs.Flat for microwaving.
They cook in half the normal time and come out overdone
" Sure you didnt heat them already" she says accusingly.
Eureka!! puzzle solved. Obviously the phone masts are hidden in the lottery terminal.
Will pop into the garage again tomorrow with a couple of pies and hang around the terminal for two minutes twenty seconds.
Anything to keep the electricity bill down.
Until tomorrow don't be frazzled, be flat.